Babydoll Read online

  I bit my bottom lip and nodded. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted to be lying on Haley's floor falling asleep with the TV on. I wanted to be at home in my room typing away on my computer. I wanted to be anywhere else.

  I was standing there, awkwardly trying not to look back over at the happy couple when the familiar smell of jasmine and weed overpowered the smell of the smoking wood from the bonfire.

  "What's up, girl?" Janis asked, bumping my shoulder playfully. "I’ve never seen you out here before."

  I didn’t have time to answer; when she saw the look on my face her smile was replaced with a look of concern.

  "Are you ok?" she asked.

  I swallowed hard but I didn’t really trust my voice not to crack. Instead of saying anything I shrugged and nodded in Cameron's general direction. Janis's brow furrowed for a moment as she looked over. When she spotted my mood darkener her look turned sympathetic.

  "Yeah, I saw those two," she said, shaking her head. "Guys suck."

  I nodded in agreement and she linked her arm through mine.

  "Come on, I'm about to go smoke. Come with," she said, pulling me with her.

  This time I didn’t hesitate at all. I wanted to be light and relaxed. I wanted to not be embarrassed that my boyfriend left me for some other chick. I wanted to not care at all. I walked with my friend, away from the crowd. There were a few people lounging on boulders near the water.

  "Come on, Jan, it’s cold as fuck over here," said a male voice.

  I recognize Dustin Jones from my Algebra class and Garrett Moore who played with Gavin on occasion. There was another girl but she was upperclassmen that I didn’t really know. I plopped down on the ground heedless of the cold. I knew I would be nice and toasty soon enough. When the blueberry blunt made it way to me, I pulled long and hard. I had smoked with Janis a couple of times after school since the breakup so I didn’t cough that hard any more. I wasn’t a pro like the rest of the kids in the circle but I was pretty sure no one was that worried about my experience.

  "Feel better?" Janis asked me, after a couple of hits. Her grin was goofy and her eyes were squinty. I giggled. I would have been willing to bet I looked the same.

  "Much," I said, lying back on the sand, filling my lungs with ice cold fresh air. The coldness felt good with the smoke making my temperature climb.

  Soon, the blunt was nothing but a roach and everyone dispersed. We helped each other dust the sand off and Janis and I headed back to the bonfire arms linked, giggling and chatting. We found a big rock to sit on near the fire. The smoke break had done the trick and the sharp sting of Cameron with his new girl was lost in the haze. I was all smiles and completely comfortable. I got it. We were over. It was time to move on for both of us. When Dustin scooted in next to Janis and I, handing us fresh beers I gave him a big silly smile and he gave me one right back. We hadn't been hanging out long when Haley found her way over.

  "Bailey Baby-doll, I've been looking for you!" she exclaimed. She stumbled to her knees in front of me.

  I squinted hard at my friend. She was loaded. Not drunk and not stoned, like me, but something. I busted out laughing.

  "You’re fucked up!" I yelled at her, still laughing.

  She was laughing too.

  "I am," she said. Then the obvious occurred to her. "So are you!"

  We laughed so hard I felt like I was going to throw up. Janis and Dustin were laughing with us and the moment was so perfect I wished Lucy was there to take a picture of it. Haley settled in with her back against my knees and I played with her hair as conversation flowed. Her perfect blonde tresses felt soft slipping through my fingers. It made me smile warm and happy. It was a good feeling. It was the best feeling.

  I was thoroughly enjoying myself until I realized I needed to pee so bad. I disentangled myself from my friends and headed to the wood line.

  As the night had worn on groups had separated away from the fire. Threes and fours here and there, sharing drinks or smokes. Couples looking for more privacy. I passed plenty on the way to relive myself and a few more on the way back. I was hardly paying attention when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me to a stop.

  "What's, up sexy Sweeten?" a familiar voice jeered.

  I turned to find Drew smiling what he probably thought was suave and charming smile but even the dark couldn’t erase the image of what his teeth looked like. He needed some dental hygiene in a bad way.

  "Hey, Drew," I said, trying to tug my wrist out of his grasp. I tried to be nice because I knew he was a friend of Lane's.

  He and a couple of his delinquent friends were lounging on the tailgate of someone's truck. Instead of letting me go to on my way like I had hoped, he pulled me closer. Close enough that my personal space was completely violated. I could smell his breath; it smelled like something died in his mouth.

  "Where you going, Sweeten?" He asked, still grinning. It looked like a leer to me. "We got our own little party going on over here and you are so on the guest list."

  "Yeah, no thanks," I told him, pulling away harder. Friend of Lane's or not, he was freaking me out. He was moving into full on creeper territory.

  "Awe, come on Sexy, don't be like that," he wouldn’t stop with the stupid grin and his friends were starting to laugh and nudge each other.

  Panic was starting to set in. I used my other hand to pry at his fingers but it was like he had me with a freaking vice grip.

  "Let me go, Drew," I told him. I tried to keep my voice stern, but I could hear it tremble a little. I only hoped he hadn’t. I was trying to remember the advice my dad had given me. I didn’t remember if I should trying kicking him in balls first or punching him in the throat. Either way I wasn’t really sure I’d be strong or accurate enough to make it count.

  "Let me go," he mimicked, in a falsetto. He got off the tailgate, onto his feet, closing the remaining gap between us. He was twisting my arm up between us still not letting go. "You know, I'm so tired of all you spoiled little bitches acting like you’re fucking untouchable. You’re not untouchable."

  His friends weren’t laughing anymore. It occurred to me that if even his friends could tell things were heading south I needed to make a move sooner than later. My panic was turning to fear. I was beginning to think Drew wasn’t just some trouble maker but something even worse. I felt tears spill over my lower lashes. I jerked my arm hard and this time it came free of his grip. I wasn’t expecting the sudden freedom and I fell back on my ass. It gave me some space but not really enough to make a run for it.

  "Awe, baby girl can’t handle her booze?" Drew taunted, advancing toward me.

  "Leave me alone," I yelled, craw-fishing backward. I didn’t know what he planned on doing but I really didn’t want to find out.

  He took another menacing step forward and suddenly a figure flew at him from the side, tackling him to the ground. All I saw is black knit cap, black hoodie, and fists. Drew was on his back, with a forearm to his throat, and his face was getting brutalized. Even though just a minute ago I was plotting my own attach, the violence upon him was shocking. Eye sockets were swelling, teeth were shattering, and blood was flying across the sand. There was chaos of yelling and bottles falling as Drew' friends finally overcame their shock and got to their feet. But they halted at the sound of a familiar voice.

  "That’s how you start a mother fucking party!"

  And then I saw Luke hauling Drew's attacker up by the back of his sweater. Hauling Lane to his feet. I was wide-eyed with shock. Lane was like a wild animal desperate to attack, lunging forward.

  "Calm the fuck down!" Luke boomed, putting his little brother in a headlock.

  Drew's friends were pulling him to his feet. He only looked half conscience.

  "Get him the fuck outta here," Luke instructed them, without letting go of Lane.

  They immediately complied, ushering their broken friend into the truck. Luke finally noticed me, still on the ground on my ass and he grinned at me. Doors slammed and the truck roared to
life, whisking my could-have-been attacker away.

  "Hey, Baby-doll, what the fuck just happened?" he asked.

  "He knocked her down," I heard Lane growl from around his brother's meaty arm. Luke's brow furrowed as he released his brother and Lane was immediately kneeling at my side. "Are you ok?"

  He had just gotten into a brawl and he was asking if I was ok. Just like Luke, I was wondering what the fuck had just happened.

  "That little prick," Luke muttered, squatting down next to us. "If I would had known that shit I would have joined you."

  "Guys, I'm ok," I finally managed.

  Lane reached a hand toward me and brushed away tears I didn't know I was still crying. His hand lingered there, cupping my cheek.

  "You sure?" He asked, concerned.

  Like always, his touch made my pulse race and my heart drumbeat. This time it was even worse than normal. The crazy boy had just attacked someone for me. He had attacked his friend for me. I nodded my answer. Once again, I didn’t trust my voice not to crack.

  "Well then let's go get a drink," Luke said, satisfied with my answer. He put an arm around me and hauled me up.

  Lane smiled, seemingly in spite of himself, at his brother. Together, the three of us headed back toward the fire with Luke's arm around my shoulders and Lane at my side.

  "What are you guys doing here?" I asked. With all the commotion I had forgotten the Campbell kids were supposed to be in for the night.

  "We jail broke," Luke said, with a grin.

  I gave them both a questioning look.

  "We snuck out," Lane explained. "What are you doing here?"

  I smiled.

  "I snuck out," I replied, with a cheeky grin, making them both laugh. "I'm staying with Haley. Her mom is… you know."

  "Haley's here?" Luke asked. I knew he was trying to act cool, but I could tell he was excited. I nodded yes.

  "What were you doing out there by yourself?" Lane asked, furrowing his brow. Even though he had fixed the problem, he didn’t seem to be over his worry. "Where was Haley?"

  The warmth that flowed through me made the warm, happy I felt sitting next to the fire with my friends feel like a tiny flicker. Lane was taking care of me, dispatching the bad guys. Lane was worrying about me. Crazy butterflies took off in my stomach.

  I clamped them down immediately. I couldn’t let myself forget he was Lane. Lane who always made me feel like a silly kid. Lane who had messed around with more girls than I could count. Lane, who just happened to be my best friend’s older brother, who I promised I would never, ever fall for.

  I had never imaged that promise would be so hard to keep. I cursed those stupid butterflies. I shrugged at him as coolly as I could manage.

  "It wasn't a big deal," I said.

  * * *

  Chapter 10

  * * *

  "It's all about confidence," Haley said, adjusting her shades.

  "Pretty easy to talk about confidence when you’re built like a pin-up girl," I huffed and tossed my magazine to the end of my towel.

  Summer had graced us with its presence. We were showing our appreciation by sun worshiping at the beach. We had been scoping boys in board shorts, working on our tans, and sipping stolen margarita wine coolers from Haley's red cooler all day.

  Haley was treating her learners permit like it was a real license and we booked it to the beach pretty much every day that week. My skin was started to brown quite nicely. Our conversation turned into a dissection of how to flirt when I made us take a quiz in my magazine. When it came to flirting I was a "shy Sally" and Haley was a "bombshell Betty". It was a stupid quiz.

  "Please, Bailey, I wish I was as skinny as you. You eat pizza like three days a week and don't gain an ounce. I look at carbs and my ass doubles in size. Besides, it's like I said, it's not about looks. It's confidence. It's not giving a fuck and saying exactly what you think. Guys dig that," my friend said.

  I sighed. I still thought my shape wasn’t much to look at. I had topped out at a b-cup and didn’t have any butt to speak of. Next to Haley with her generous curves, I felt about as girly as an eleven year old boy. But that wasn’t my biggest problem.

  "Problem is, I open my mouth and crazy falls out. Or stupid," I said.

  Anytime I tried to flirt with a guy I got tongue-tied and silly. Except when I was stoned or buzzed. But then I didn’t really care about flirting.

  "What exactly are you thinking about when you talk to guys?" Haley asked. She sounded like she was going to dissect my problem for me.

  "Usually I'm worried I have something on my face. Or I'm wondering if the last thing I said was stupid. And usually it was because it was about some book or movie or song he's never freaking heard of. It's like I live on another planet," I replied.

  "You do live on another planet. I've been telling you that for years," she laughed.

  "You’re the worst," I told her, flicking sand in her direction.

  She dusted the sand off her arm and her expression drifted back to thoughtful.

  "But there's got to be some guy who's from crazy planet Baby-doll too. I mean you and Cameron had plenty in common."

  "We did," I agreed. "At least I thought we did. You see how that ended up."

  "Ok, bad example," she recanted. "But there's plenty of guys out there. Guys who read and spend hours making perfect playlists and watch weird ass movies. And we have all summer to find them."

  I liked to think she was right. There were plenty of boys out there. And we did have all summer to find one for me. My dad had been stupid swamped at work. I heard him talk a lot about a woman named Molly and battery. I knew battery meant fights but I wasn’t sure what the Molly woman had to do with it. I hated to benefit from crime but his distraction meant that I got to spend most of my time over at Haley's house. And some at Lucy's place too. Not as much at the latter though. Dad's still wasn’t that keen on me staying the night in a house where teen-aged boys were right down the hall. I told him a million times that he had nothing to worry about but he just told me that worrying was his job.

  Little did he know, he should have been worried about me being at Haley's house. Her mom had turned into a total train wreck. Her dad had left and it was like her mom was just done. Done with worrying about appearances, done with monitoring what the teen-aged girls under her roof were getting into, done with everything. She was just riding out alimony checks, laying around the house in lounge wear, and drinking more wine than could possibly be healthy.

  Haley seemed to be taking the whole split up and resulting train wreck pretty well. She missed her dad a lot, but the trade-off was getting to doing whatever the hell she wanted. It worked out for her. Besides, she had Lucy and me to talk to and lean on when things got to be too much.

  She also knew if she needed extra help I could always get my hands on some herbal remedy. I wouldn’t have said I was turning into a pot head but I was spending a fair amount of time hanging with Janis and the guys at the Rec. I had even went as far as to get my my very own pink sparkle cig case. The most I kept in there was a little joint or a pinner. I still wasn’t comfortable keeping a full case like Jan did.

  At first Lucy was all telling me how that had to be bad for me and reminding me how crazy my dad would go if I got busted. She changed that worry-wart tune as soon as she smoked for the first time. Haley never even batted an eye. I got the idea she had probably smoked before I even thought about it. I did worry some. Not about the health risks. I worried about getting busted and my dad being disappointed. But then he couldn’t have gotten that disappointed because I had seen the pictures of him and my mom from back in the seventies. He could have said whatever he wanted but I knew what those silly cheesy grins were all about.

  I preferred smoking to drinking alcohol. I could smoke all I wanted and there was no hangover but one too many drinks and the next day my head was pounding like there was a riot inside my skull. It seemed like I was the only who got them though. Luke and Lucy both seemed to have some sor
t of drinking super power. They could both pound drinks no problem. It made sense with Luke being the size of a house but watching Lucy drink was cause for awe. Haley combated the dreaded hangover by liberating a little help from her mom's medicine cabinet. You couldn’t get a hangover if you were Xanax calm. Lane was the only person in my crowd who didn’t indulge. I thought maybe it was the ever present threat of being sent away again that kept him in line.

  Our dialogue about the art of flirting came to a halt when we both looked up at the familiar sound of a shutter snapping. Lucy looked adorable in her fringe bikini top and super short cutoffs. I smiled happily at my friend but it faded when I saw who was trailing behind her. Her siblings and Allyson Smith. Lane's girlfriend.

  "Great," I heard Haley mutter. "This bitch."

  This bitch, indeed, I thought. Allyson was the worst kind of bitch. Not the in your face, screw everybody bitch, like Haley. Allyson was the princess perfect kind of bitch. The kind of bitch with money and family name that made her untouchable. The kind of bitch that our teachers and parents told us they wished we be more like or at least be friends with. The kind of bitch that always had a judgey look on her face but would never just come out and say what she thought of you.

  Her look was amazing. She was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. She had this frail perfection about her. Like she was china doll delicate. She was almost as short as Lucy and her red-blonde hair was halfway down her back. It was always, always perfect. Never a strand out of place. It was like her hair didn’t even dare defy her. Her eyes were icy blue. Every time that icy stare fell on me I knew judgment had been passed and I had deemed completely lacking.

  Seeing the mostly reformed bad boy and the princess together for the first time had been a bit of a shocker. The two of them together was the last thing I expected to see that night. We had just finished a joint on Haley's deck when Luke came through the gate with his usual calamity.

  "Joint sub-committee meeting on the 50 yard line!" He spouted off as wood clapped against wood when he flung the gate open.