Babydoll Read online

  "Cameron's an idiot," he said. When I opened my mouth to defend my boyfriend Lane shook his head to stop me. "Doesn't matter if he's fucking around or not. There shouldn't be any room for doubt. You don't deserve that."

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t know what to say. Butterflies took flight in my stomach. This was the kind of moment I had wrote about in a hundred stories. I committed every little detail to memory, from the warmth in his eyes to the fullness of his bottom lip. Especially his bottom lip. Especially his mouth. Especially how bad I suddenly wanted to feel his mouth against mine.

  "Hey, Bailey, you want jalapeños?" Lucy called, up the stairs.

  I stepped back so quickly I almost went over backward.

  "Whatever you want, Lucy," I yelled, whipping around toward the open door.

  Behind me, Lane chuckled. His warm smile had turned back to his smirk when I faced him again. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I felt like that moment was something too. It wasn’t something I had daydreamed about but I felt it was something special. It was important. I reached out and touched his shoulder. "Thank you."

  Both of our smiles got kind of big and silly before I took off down the stairs.

  B

  That next Tuesday found me pulling a loose thread on my red knit cap. I knew I was going to unravel the whole damn thing if I didn’t stop messing with it, but I couldn’t stop fidgeting. I stared outside the lunchroom window and watched the January snow fall. Some of the guys from the football team had started a snowball fight. Of course it was going to end in someone or someones getting detention but Cameron had ditched me yet again. I couldn’t even pay attention to Gavin's rendition of Enter Sandman on his new banjo. I was missing Metallica on the banjo because my boyfriend was ignoring me. I felt like such a loser.

  I was pulled out of my self-pity spiral when a lemon Skittle landed in my lap. I looked up to see a familiar smirk.

  "Stalking's illegal," Lane told me.

  I rolled my eyes at him even though he was right. I was kind of stalking my own boyfriend.

  "Is she just watching her dead end relationship dead end again?" Haley asked.

  I winced and gave her a "what the hell" look.

  "I'm sorry, but I told you from the beginning he's a dick-bag. You should dump his dumb ass. You should let me kick him in the nads," she said. At least her heart was in the right place.

  "I've been telling her she needs someone better," Lucy chimed in. At least she looked sympathetic.

  "Ok, could we just not discuss my relationship?" I huffed at my friends. It bothered me mostly because I knew they were right. I grabbed my empty soda can and stood up. I needed to stop being stupid and talk to my freaking boyfriend. "I'll see you guys later."

  I stood on the sidewalk and waved to get Cameron's attention. He hesitated until I gave him my fully annoyed bitch face. I was really at the end of my rope with his bullshit. I tried my hardest to be understanding, to be the chill girlfriend but I just couldn’t anymore.

  "Hey, Bailey," he said, when he reached me. He started to put his arm around me but I stopped him.

  "What's up with you?" I asked.

  He shifted his gaze around and sighed.

  "I know, I've been…whatever lately," he said. He reached for me again and this time I let him take my hand. He was talking. I felt an ounce of relief. He steered me toward one of the quad benches. "Look, we need to talk."

  Cameron was my first and only boyfriend ever. I didn’t have all the experience. But I knew what "we need to talk" meant. I hesitated, pulling my hand back.

  "We need to talk?" I repeated, panic rising up in my chest. "What do you mean we need to talk?"

  The look he gave me made me feel like he was a parent and I was a difficult, not minding kid. I hated him just a little in that moment. He was one of my oldest friends and I hated him.

  "Come on, Bailey, don't be silly," he chided.

  I gritted my teeth.

  "Just say what you need to say," I demanded. I wasn’t going to let him make me feel that way. It wasn’t fair

  He pursed his lips, looking annoyed. Then he shrugged. I saw an arrogance in his face that I hadn’t seen before. Maybe I hadn't wanted to see it.

  "Fine," he said. "I think we should take a break."

  This time my bitch face came with no forethought. A break? What kind of trite bullshit was that?

  "A break?" I echoed.

  "Yeah, a break," he said. "You know, see what else is out there."

  "See what else is out there?" I repeated. Suddenly I was the world's angriest parrot.

  "Yes, Bailey, we've been together since junior high. This is high school. Maybe we both need something a little more high school," he said. "I'm playing sports and all and meeting new people and you’re hanging out with whoever. And it feels like, you know, we're not going anywhere."

  I listened to his babbely rant. The gears in my head started to turn. My stomach was churning. The very last part clicked.

  "Not going anywhere. Like somewhere with sex?" I snapped.

  He at least had the decency to look a little sheepish.

  "Maybe I'm just ready for things you’re not ready for," he said.

  It hurt. It stung. It burned. I felt young and immature and so fucking stupid. And then I realized there was crowd. Sure, they weren’t mobbing around us, but I could tell people were looking and acting like they weren’t looking. Along with all of the hurt, embarrassment set in as well. I was sexual maturity stunted and I was that girl having the embarrassing break up on the quad. Cameron stood but he reached and touched my arm. I'm sure it was supposed to be soothing.

  "It's just a break, Bailey. We could always get back together later," he said.

  I narrowed my eyes. That was just insult to injury. I stood up and faced him.

  "You mean when I'm ready to put out?" I snapped.

  "I'm not trying to hurt you, Bailey. Or rush you. You could just let me know when you’re ready for this," he said.

  For just a moment I thought he was really trying to watch out for me. Like on the swing. But then I noticed him glancing around. And I saw that little bit of arrogance again. My humiliation melted into fury so fast I thought the top of my head was going to come off. I channeled Haley Elton.

  "Or you could let me know when you’re ready," I said to him, with my most sickly sweet smile.

  "Ready?" He asked. There was relief in his smile.

  "For this," I said, and I kicked him in the nads.

  B

  Later that day, something else happened that I never expected.

  "Hey, Bailey, you ok?"

  I was packing my stuff up after class and I looked up to see Janis Long turned around in her seat. We had AP English together all semester and we had grown pretty friendly, chatting in class. She wasn’t like the rest of my friends. I didn’t really like putting labels on people but Haley called Janis and her friends emo kids. She also called them a bunch of fucking try hards, but I didn’t mind their style so much. I thought it was interesting. Janis was all big, black dyed hair and the heaviest eyeliner. Janis was why I knew what pot smelled like. As much as I liked Janis, that day I just wanted to get through my last two classes and go home. The whole school was buzzing about my center stage breakup. I was mentally exhausted.

  "Hey, Janis, I'm cool," I told her.

  "You are most definitely not cool," she replied. I looked hard at her but there was only concern in her pretty blue, albeit red rimmed, eyes. "But you could be."

  I tilted my head curiously.

  "You need some herbal relief," she said, with an encouraging smile.

  I chuckled. Sure, a cop’s daughter smoking up, that would have gone over really well.

  "I don't –" I began. I was going to tell her I didn’t smoke, that I really was fine. Then I remembered I wasn’t fine. And I really didn’t want to sit through another class with everyone staring and whispering. "Actually, what did you have in mind?"

  My emo friend beamed and took my
hand. Fifteen minutes later, we were off campus and heading across town in her vintage Bug. It was freezing outside and Bug’s heater struggled to get warm. Something Corporate was on the stereo and instead of being nervous about skipping to get into some nefarious activity, I actually felt lighter. I hadn't asked where we were going but I shot Janis a curious look when she parked on the side of the dilapidated old rec center.

  "Trust," she said, with a mischievous smirk.

  So I did. I got out of the car with her and followed her around the back of the building. The rec center had been closed since the early 90s. The grassy spots were over grown and the pool was a huge empty bowl that time had faded to washed out blue-gray. It was desolate. It was cool.

  Janis headed over to the old lifeguard shack. When we stepped inside I rubbed my hands together to combat the cold.

  "Brr," I muttered. I wasn’t really sure if sitting around in a freezing shack on top of musty old floaties was much better than ignoring the nosey people at school.

  "Patience, my dear," Janis shushed me. From behind another stack of discarded stuff she pulled out a small space heater. "I've spent One Eyed Willy's rich stuff on D batteries."

  I laughed and got cozy on some floaties.

  "Besides, this shit will keep you plenty warm," she said, digging a silver cigarette case out of her messenger bag before sitting next to me.

  I peered in when she clicked it open. Three neatly rolled joints were inside. I knew what joints looked like. I participated in DARE.

  "I've never smoked before," I said, quietly. I watched her as she pulled one out like I was transfixed. I was excited and nervous.

  "No problem," she assured me, with a smile. With one hand she flicked her black Bic and in the other she held the joint between her thumb and forefinger. "You hold like this and bring it to your lips. Inhale the smoke and hold it down as long as you can. You'll choke and that‘s cool. If you ain't choking you ain't toking. And I've got this."

  She pulled a bottle of apple juice out of her bag and sat it between us. Then she took a smoke. I watched as she put it to her mouth and pulled on it in a fluid motion. A moment later she released thick white smoke into the air. She smiled and held the joint out to me.

  I hesitated. I knew my dad would be so pissed if he found out. Then I thought of Cameron and feeling so stupid and immature.

  "Fortune favors the bold," I muttered.

  I took the joint from her. It was so light and for some reason that surprised me. Weed was supposed to be a gateway drug, a life changer. I guess I expected something that carried so much proverbial weight to carry more literal weight. Silly.

  I choked just like she said I would. It felt like my entire chest and throat turned desert dry and someone tickled my insides with a feather. When the coughing finally tapered Janis passed over the apple juice. It was tart and delicious.

  "Hit it again, hon," she said.

  I didn’t cough as much the second time. I was pretty pleased with myself. Janis held her hand out for the joint.

  "That’s we call “the rotation” puff, puff, pass," she told me, with a grin.

  "Like on Friday," I replied, smiling back.

  "Indeed. I've seen that movie way too many times. Half Baked too," she said. This led to a lengthy discussion about movies as we smoked. The discussion tapered off and I noticed we were both doing more staring into space than talking.

  I also noticed she was right about being warm. I felt cozy, comfy despite the cold outside the barely insulated shack. Even better, all my stress seemed so far away. That made me smile. And then, even though I wasn’t really sure why, it made me giggle. Janis took one look at me and started to giggle too.

  It was the best way to pass the afternoon.

  * * *

  Chapter 9

  * * *

  "These," Haley said, throwing my tightest, black skinny jeans on my bed. "And this."

  An oversized maroon sweater landed on top of them. It was Saturday morning and Haley came over bright and early to lend some style expertise. And she brought coffee. I loved her.

  "And keep that on," she said, pointing to my black lace tank top. "And wear your Docs. That’s perfect. Sexy and badass. That is how you win a breakup."

  I looked down at my pajama tank. I never would had thought of that, but the sweet lace would show whenever my sweater inevitably slipped down. It would be sexy. It was odd to think that I could be sexy.

  "I didn't know break ups were competitions," I told her, with a laugh.

  "Of course they are. And you are totally going to win."

  It had been about a month since Cameron and I exploded. It took a couple of weeks for the chatter to die down around school but as soon as the next scandal broke out, courtesy of Mr. Lane Campbell, my humiliation was forgotten. Lane may have checked his slutty ways but apparently his temper was going to be his new downfall. He had almost broken Randy Parker's arm. Apparently, they were at a party and that kid said something Lane didn't like about Lucy. Lane just lost it. In retaliation Mrs. C and Mr. C had instituted mandatory family time on the weekends. Lucy said it was either that or Lane was going to find himself on a one way trip back to Texas. Lucy and Luke were taking one for the team but they weren’t terribly pleased.

  My dad was on night shift and instead of quarantining me at home and calling the house phone every hour, he agreed to let me stay at Haley's. What he didn’t know is that while Mrs. Elton was home she would be comatose on her usual Saturday night Merlot and Xanax combo, leaving us free to head to the beach for a bonfire. One of the senior guys Haley was friends with was giving us a ride. When I asked what Luke thought about that Haley just laughed.

  "Luke and I aren't together, remember?" She replied, with a sassy smirk.

  While I was glad she wasn’t pining away for the boy next door I couldn’t help but wonder if her indifference was the real deal.

  Regardless of how we were getting there I was super excited. It was my first high school thing. Despite his crazy schedule my dad still managed to keep me on a tight leash. So tight sometimes it felt like it was choking me to death. Like he would never let me grow up. I hated having to sneak around, but I was so ready for more freedom I felt the ends justified the means.

  "I don't even know if Cameron is going to be there," I said, sitting down on the bed with my piping hot caffeine.

  "Like that matters," Haley replied, sitting beside me bumping my shoulder with hers. "You know how people talk. Especially guys. One of his meathead football boys will say he saw you looking all fine and bam Cameron is staring at you in the halls all lovelorn and shit. You win."

  I laughed at the idea of Cameron making doe eyes at me.

  "I'm not so sure about that," I told her.

  B

  The beach at night is everything I wanted it to be. Sure, I had been there during the day for summer swims or even cold winter walks but never at night. Instead of families with mommies yelling for little ones to mind the water, there was drunk teenaged yelling and horseplay. Music that was turned down to personal level during the day was cranked up loud. The bonfire was movie style massive. I felt my grin stretch up as we descend the stone steps of the beach entrance. I had to hold on to the rickety old railing on my way down because the beers we slammed on the way there are already making me fuzzy. As soon as we climbed in the backseat Haley’s friend handed us a six pack of Mike’s hard lemonade.

  "You’re not going to sit up here with me?" He asked Haley as we twisted open our bottles and toasted.

  "I'm good," she replied.

  I laughed at the disappointed look on his face when it clicked she was only using him for a ride. He should had known better. I sometimes thought about ends and means but Haley Elton was all about them. Everybody knew that.

  "You ready, gorgeous?" Haley asked, grabbing my hand as we made our way across the sand. She pulled me to a stop and fixed my hair. It was pulled up in a high ponytail with a bump and a couple of soft tendrils down near my face. More sex
y and badass.

  Feeding off of Haley's super confidence and the booze I gave her my most sassy, feisty smile.

  "Let's do this," I replied.

  My heart was pumping with giddy excitement as we approached the crowd. I saw most of those kids in the halls at school every day but seeing them in the beach shadows and bonfire flashes made it new and exciting. Like anything could happen. Smiles in the light, kisses in the shadows. The whole night could be filled with surprises.

  Our first priority was getting over to the keg. We filled up plastic red cups with cheap beer and proceed to mill around. That was apparently what these parties were all about, just walking around talking to people. Mostly, Haley was the one doing the talking. I wasn’t terribly excited to be regulated to sidekick status but it wasn’t the worst thing. A lot of the guys we talked to regarded me a little warily. I guessed it was because I was still Cameron's girl in their minds. At least that was what I was thinking until I saw them.

  It was Cameron and Summer. She was cuddled to his side with his arm around her shoulders pulling her super close. Just like he used to do with me. They were both all smiles with drinks in their hands, talking with friends.

  I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I may have made a little squeaking noise of shock. When she heard the defeated noise, Haley followed my stare and spotted my ex and his new girl.

  "Shit," she cursed. She threw her arm around my shoulders and steered me back the way we came. Away from Cameron having the best time ever. Away from Summer with her perfect, happy smile. "Why the fuck didn't someone tell us he was here?"

  I didn’t talk. I was choking up and I felt stupid, yet again. I was supposed to be over Cameron. I was supposed to be confident in my tight jeans and sexy sweater. I was supposed to be winning the breakup.

  "I'll go find Mark and see if I can get him to take us home," Haley assured me. "Just chill for a minute. And don't go over there. You can’t let him see him and his slut got under your skin. You’re ok, Bailey. You’re awesome. You’re way too good for that dog."